人生是用一整杯的苦涩，去交换一颗幸福的糖果。

My last entry:
I want to watch sex and the city with sylvie, wy and fanny dearies. CHECK
I want to cry when I watch it. CHECK
I want to work and love.CHECK(work not love)
I want to live a life. CHECK

I will say, knowing what you want would mean:
Moving in a direction that leads you there, EVENTUALLY(with a couple of detours).
(if you don't lose your meaning and purpose in the start)

I have achieved all the above, almost all. IN 18 DAYS.

But, I lost track in the realms of deep thought, my desire for love.
the big L.O.V.E word, which drives people, smart or not, into insanity and deep deep wells of sugar-coated misery.
And I know that is the cynic speaking.

This entry was building up for 2 weeks. With pieces of it forming when songs play through my commuting journey. Some, after speaking to Sam. Time with Wy,Sylvie, Fanny. Others, just reflections and memories. The movie: Sex and the city. People around me that bring the big L.O.V.E into life.

And in case you wondered, how the show was.
It was great. Like a pro-longed movie, concised tv series, with the classic happily-ever after(rarely will happen in real life) ending.

It made me laugh and then cry, and while you are busy holding in the tears. It shakes the tears right out with a new bout of laughter.
That order, should be the way life is.

These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
And the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work they put between us,You know it doesn't keep us warm
Lyrics from Sex and city OST, The heart of the matter/India Arie

The four girls(never too old to be one), are atypical stereotypes of females (mostly in US<-not Sg). And the classic template for female friends, I love the dramatic flair and ting to it, so I watch it with the three friends I consider the closest to the movie. But I couldn't fit any of us completely into the shadow of any of the girls, though there was some resemblance. Each one of us, are Carrie in our own life, lead roles. Though it may seem to me that one could fit in the role of the characte, it is unlike the movie perspective: Like I would be the Charlotte in Sylvia's Carie movie, the same way Wenying is Miranda in Fanny's story. Everyone, a Carrie going on for a search of three friends who stayed through like Charlotte, Miranda and Samantha. Then with girlfriends, we search for 2 main things: Labels and Love. One conviction, I plead complete guilt for the relentless pursue of. (But I insist it's not a princess-thing/ mentality.) [Both, a luxury item, a good to have. Not die, without. 得之 我幸、不得 我命。]
ALL that IS prep talk, and exactly what I preach to myself daily(with little success)

And from all today, I realise something I learn about love, my love.
If I EVER fall, it MUST be a potential heartbreak. That would be the difference between love and not-love. In this graceless-age, the worst would probably be loving for the sake of loving. Like many of my peers I've seen, who would break-up for reasons that will make friends laugh, and not break-up for reasons that will make friends cry.

But actually I almost know I am incapable of LOVE, or at least my idea of love.
[犹如火种般带领着迷失的飞蛾、放弃生命的燃烧。
可惜，放纵不是我的个性。
可能是血液里少了飞蛾的勇气、脑中往往会在行动前闪过飞蛾燃烧殆尽的结果。
那会瓦解一切的冲动，以一整桶的冷水的冰冷泼醒我那未完成的白日梦]
Written 3 years ago, which now seemsinteresting, and very apt for describing my true bare self. And my very logical, analytical approach to love.

I had many near death experience, results of my own decisions. I realise, now that I appreciate the heart beneath my skin that beats. My heart is mine, or the so better, when it stays in me, unshattered. True to steel, I love myself more than anyone else, and I remain unconvinced that I could love or put someone else in my beating heart.

清楚的知道，自己不是天上璀璨夺目的烟火。从不那么耀眼，也不曾灿烂。
灵魂的极限就是只能迅速燃烧的花火。
渺小、所以只能温暖把它握在手心的持有者。
尽管如此，也会再在转眼间烧尽、只余一缕轻烟的遗憾。

But I love you guys, Sylvie, WY, Fanny, with however possible it is for me. For being my friends so close to the perfect friends ever, even though I never make the grade.

troubled..

eh, recently i signed up for a job as an extra in TV commercials...its ad-hoc based. Thought it wld be interesting so im giving it a try. Then suddenly i got this call frm a company called CreateTalent again...they called me last year in Dec regarding an arrangement for an interview with me sort of thing...said that they want to sign me up as a free-lance model..btw, they sort of found me on the street lah...I rejected them the other time when they called but called again 3months later...And this time they are offering me a job as a model in TV commercial/s....according to wad they say...there are many commercial jobs available now...I rejected them again. After i hang them up, i realised that i was rather stupid coz im giving up a modelling opportunity in a TV commercial for an Extra job...lol, sounds soooo extremely stupid...
shld i consider the model job??? guess my mum wun agree to it leh....how? but my mum agrees to let me be an extra wor....lol. sigh....

Anw, gonna meet jeanie soon..hee. am looking forward! =D

wy

Didn't expect my smiley face would lead to more posts on our blog...hah...it seems like the blog is coming back to life!..=p Anws....i'm unemployed now....

got cramp...stuck at home again..haha

wy