This is gonna be quite a lengthy entry… at least it will be if I don't lose control of myself it will be. So if you lack the time or interest, i guess u may now close this window.
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I had a dream a very long dream, lasting 43 days and around 1032 in hours, 61920 in mins and 3715200 in seconds. Then i woke and found that reality IS a nightmare. I spend alot of time recently trying to recover from this dream or maybe i was merely trying to adapt to this nightmare i woke up to. There are times when i run away, putting in my all in convincing my myself that the dream didn't existed. It was indeed a method, i am utterly convinced that if i have been living in hell all the while, this nightmare with nothing for comparison would be a whole lot more bearable.
But of course to no avail. I flip open my phone, only to see "HUANG CHENG YE YUN" lying before my eyes. The logo and banner i design and painted not so long ago in my dreams. But of course i could destroy this piece of evidence, with a mere click of buttons. But i can't bring myself to it. So i changed the main display picture. But as i search through my photos for a replacement, out of 31 of them 26 are picture with 06S6c. Well, then again i can overcome this by leaving my phone alone. I open my computer which have become one of my few distractions left. Reflex action: open windows media player then select the MSN messenger shortcut next to it. Sign in as "appear offline". Then there staring right before my eyes, my top group: "06s6c". Below it: "HC ppl". Ironically out of the whole list, the bulk of the ppl online will always be those i wanna runaway from most. As if a constant reminder to me that my dream was real.
But was it? If it was real then why did it end? Why did i wake up? Or should the question be what did i wake up to? I found no answer to all these questions. So i insist that in all logical assumptions, i preserve the right to take all these as a dream and I was merely dreaming that i once went to the place i wanted to go to. And that I was merely dreaming that what i wanted was in my hands for even a mere second.
Date: 13th Feb Mon, still in Hc
I was still a little dreamy then. Didn't really know what was going on. I swear i heard sounds from a world outside mine. Warning me my world was collapsing. I didn't know what to do, I was going mad. With sounds coming from both outside and inside. I spoke to many, some who feign concern and some geniune words of care. There were some whom i thought i could become friends with. There were things i wanted to do. But suddenly, with reality coming down on my momentarily blissful dream, every whisp and step i hear and take, became miasmas in the forest, swallowing my poor soul in darkness.
Date: 14th Feb, last day in dream land
Am now semi-conscious, I can no longer remain oblivous to reality. I knew that I had to wake up, or my dream would drive me crazy. I am a selfish person. And I knew waking up was the sole way i can retain what's lef t of my sanity. So i decided to leave, leaving behind everything completed or otherwise. Took a withdrawal form from the General Office. Got the relevant documents, got my classmate to write a parents' letter, signed it and used the excuse: leaving the country and completed all the procedures to leave the school and left. Or should i say woke up.
Date: 19th Feb
I confirmed the fact that I cannot refuse others. On the class insistence, i turned up for a send-off gathering. I was very touched that night. Received the most amount of gifts, soft toys and cards than I have ever did in my whole life so far. But now, these things lie in my room leaving me with completely no clue as to what to do with them. Yes belive it or not, I woke up and realise that things people gave me in my dreams ACTUALLY EXISTS. i can barely differentiate reality from my own dream world anymore. (well i can never differentiate for that matter, neither can i intigrate of course)
Date: 20-21st Feb
Left the country, don't ask me where. I'm not sure myself. Don't have any recollections of the trip. Or well I never had much of an idea of time passing lately.
I don't when I will be back. I am lost. Very lost, never felt like that in my life before. I thought leaving would aid things, but it didn't. I'm sorting things out, might some of your help and support.
My life's a play in three acts.
Act 1: Was born on 24th Oct 1989
Act2: Was lost on 14th Feb 2006
Act 3: waiting to take place...
Well, I dunno what else is going to happen i tried reading, watching serials... blah blah... I'm getting lost in between stories. What is real and what's not??? Leave me a msg sometimes will you?
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Thanks for your support if you read this to the end. I felt it and really needed it. this is a short abstract about a girl who is a dreamer, is lost, and is utterly played and fooled by fate and destiny. She thinks a study of life is the process of going mad.
