Been a long long time since I have contacted or comunicated in any pro-active, two-sided means with all of you. Well, just got off the phone with poor fanny dear, who is completely tormented by that idiot in her __... Seriously, i'll hex him and that would be so his fault. But in any case, though this is not exactly a two-sided comunication method, but i guess it'll have to do, or my friends will soon enough think i have dropped off the surface of earth into outer space or evaporated and ascended to heaven above.

To be truthful, heaven might not be too far from me, in many's eyes and opinion. And in reality, maybe and maybe not. For if i die anytime soon<-which do not seem like a bad thing at this moment, i might at least be able to catch a glimpse of it before i descend into the raging flames of hell. Why then in commom opinion would my life be like heaven?
1. I don't go to school, thus save the PW woes, monday blues and term paper horrors
2. I went on a trip to Re Dang, this really beautiful island with blue skies and an endless sandy beach and sea.
3. I will soon be preparing for another trip to HongKong.
4. I have a new laptop at my latest whim and cry.
5. I have a new golden retriever puppy, whom was bought to add value to my mere existence and life. (literally)
6. I spend money the way, drinking water drips off an open tap with little finacial concerns.
7. I will be moving into a new home(Again in the area of Serangoon), with my own room and toilet attached.

Life can really be simple or even a dream to others. For as Sylvie has said formerly that there are those who live in fear of dying the next moments, those who have lost their loved ones in disasters that leave them with absolutely nothing in one night, those who live to live without the chance of thought. I am not unaware of these suffering, nor am I ignorant of my own blesssings. However, lately I've been thinking about this phrase I saw on msn one day: death, what a good thing, as long as it happens to you and not your loved ones. I can only suppose I agree with it, for that is perphaps the only explaination to my actions. Scar count: 8 on my left wrist, 4 on my right. Pills taken within 1 mins: 6 painkillers. I am consciously aware of my actions and reasons behind every act. I am however just weary of explaining them, when no one wishes to listen and yet is constanly pretending to listen. I am exhausted of explaining why I am selfish enough not to consider the consequences and feelings of those around me. And above all, unwillingly to repeat that I am not blind to the blessing I own.

Life has become increasingly painful and tiresome. So such that I have finally realised that helpness's true meaning is when you realise that you so desperately hope to cease breathing and yet can't help but take in your next breath.
Note: Do you know that it is impossible to die because you held your breath. because you pass out before you have a chance to die. When you pass out, you lose consiousness, which means you lose control over your body's functions. Your involuntary functions that you don't have to think about to control (breathing, heart beating, etc) still go, but you can't force yourself to hold your breath or even move while you're passed out. Sad isn't it?

Another thing that keeps coming back to me, other than the nightmares and horrors that never left is this scene in MY DATE WITH A VAMPIRE II. Wy might recall, but i'm not sure. It is when the real Kuang Tian You, comes back as a ghost to write his last diary entry about his afterlife. It says, after this man died before it was told where he was to go (hell/heaven), he met the guardian of afterlife, who congraulated him. The guardian said something like: Congrats, after your death there are more who weep for you, then those who take joy in your death. Thus, you are granted entry to the gates of heaven. The man got very depressed and said that he would rather go to hell and let it be that no one will cry over his death. However the guardian said that it cannot be changed for tears once cried cannot be undone. Thus the guardian took this very unhappy man into the gates of heaven.

Frankly I have no idea why I choose to blog that in, but well if you my pal is still reading then we'll have to agree to sylvie that reading blogs is a complete waste of time. I don't know what else to say, so farewell my pals. I am struggling with the unknown of my bleak future.