self contradicting

I don't like to talk....But when i don't talk, it makes the situation worse because people start asking why am i so quiet....and then i have to explain....but normally im unable to explain because it is very complicated...

I don't like to talk because i feel that whenever i need to talk, i will not be telling the truth. Because of my strong desire to remain unknown to the outside world, i will have to tell lies so as to protect myself...i hate telling lies but i think there is a need ... coz i really hate being the "center of attention"..basically i juz dun really like anyone paying more then needed attention on me.

That's why i don't like to be liked by anyone.... or disliked by anyone...
However, if i really have to choose, i would prefer people to hate me for who im then like me for who im not. Maybe you may say that its because i feel inferior, that i do not have enough self-confidence, that's why i don't want anyone to notice me. ok that may be one of the reason. but i juz hate being known...

Anw, although i dun like people to know me well, i dislike it when people thinks that they are right abt their judgement abt me...i think i expect people to discover me through my actions, and through very in-depth analysis....not simply through my accomplishments or failures. erm and i dun expect them to know me through having converstaion with me....

I talk for the sake of having to talk,for the society expects me to talk more so that they can know more abt me and try all means to exploit me, either in the good way or the evil way.

I hate to reply msgs coz it requires expressing my thoughts....anw when i express views, i expect pple to accept my views coz i will only contribute that view if i really think its useful...haha am i a horrible personk?

I wld prefer my emotional curve on the graph to be a straight line at the end of the day then to have one that is filled with ups and down...even if you offer me a curve that is quadratic andk slopes upwards towardk infinity, and has a minimum point at a positive y values, i wounld wan it...I want a straight line graph!!

i feel that this world doesn't require language, coz eventually everyone will turn into ash. so what if you have moved yr mouth before you turn into ash? so wad if you have made a significant impact on the lifes of others? Isn't the whole earth juz about reproducing and ensuring that our human race don;t become extinct? The basic function of language is juz to facilitate reproduction....so wad if im prepare not to fulfil my duty as a human being? Do i still need to learn how to use language??

.....Nvm juz ignore me....aren;t i using language now?? are i allowing others to read this post and then know more about me?? I think i have gone mad.! I have simply forgotten abt my purpose in life...Am i even making sense here?? Have u all ever tried isolating ur sub conscious mind frm the conscious part?? If you were to try it, u will feel sth very special....that is you are actually a stranger to yrself...anw, currently i feel as if im someone trapped inside a shell,and that "shell" is doing things that i do not know and has no control over....